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The Weirdo Next Door

I know I’m not alone in being a weirdo, and for that, I’m thankful. I won’t be found perusing the internet for dirty socks to purchase (and sniff…and other stuff). Nope. I’m just the average, run of the mill, weirdo next door.

I’m usually, blissfully unaware of my oddness, but sometimes I catch myself doing something, and can’t help but think “that’s weird”.

Ex. 1). No more than 10 minutes ago, I sang a love song to my breakfast burrito. I was just getting some ice out of the freezer, when I caught sight of tomorrow’s breakfast. Before I knew it I was singing, “You’re my breakfast burrito, gonna eat you in the morning, and you’ll be so delicious, cause you’re my breakfast burrito”! Don’t judge. It’s organic! Plus, my air guitar power chords were pretty impressive.

Ex.2). I don’t say this out loud (I hope) but I recently caught myself thinking “Oh yeah, snap into a Slim Jim” while I opened a package I’d received in the mail. I don’t eat beef sticks, so I was startled by the thought. Upon reflection, I realized that that phrase runs through my mind almost every time I open something I’m excited about. I do not see this going well if my mate models a new pair of sexy boxer briefs.

Ya know…I was going to post 3 more examples, but I think I’ll stop at 1 and 2 (for now). I’ll save my more Howard Hughes moments and updates of my fear of “friendly” furry creatures for a later post.

Until then, I’ll leave you with a very serious question:

What makes you the weirdo next door?

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6 thoughts on “The Weirdo Next Door

  1. Funny that you mention singing to your breakfast, I woke up today and decided to make a delicious omelette…something I do every morning after a process of waking up, looking in the fridge, discovering the ingredients to make said omelette, getting more excited than I rightfully should about it, remembering (again) that this exact process is a daily occurance and fall into a rapid spiral of self loathing. The exact verbiage varies but I say things out loud to myself like, “yeah man good life choices, drop out of college, forget about being a lawyer so you can spend more time focusing on pissing your pants over same omelette over and over again….f@ck you!” Then I take it out on the omeltte! Im cracking the eggs way too aggressively, laughing and taking shit to the potato as I cut it like a mafia gangster would, etc. All this is fine, but the reason I am the weirdo next door is because of the time I came home really drunk and went to bed in the wrong apartment. I didnt notice I was in the wrong house until around 10am when the Asain family came home and saw me in the kitchen face to face with a bell pepper proclaiming in a sinister sing song voice “we have ways to make you talk” and waving my (their) knife around. Im not allowed in that building anymore. Or within 1500 feet of it.

    • I’m laughing so hard right now! Maybe things would have been cool with that family, if they’d just let you finish your omelette. Many friendships have been formed over hangover eggs.

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