Let Them Eat Cake

Have you ever attended a wedding? Most of us have, and, even if our attendance is a cursory nod, the result is free food and drink. If you don’t have to drive or fly, a free dinner is always a great deal. Right?

I’ve been catering weddings for a long time now, and have noticed a not-so-subtle-change in guest etiquette recently.

Proper etiquette deems that a guest RSVP’S with their meal selection. Most guests understand that they are not going to a restaurant, and that their designated meals are pre-portioned according to their predetermined (and already paid for) selections. I should be used to it now, but am still stunned to hear a wedding guest change their order from vegetarian to surf and turf. I’m pretty sure that Crate and Barrel gravy boat won’t cover the cost of the upgraded meal charged to Stephen and Stephanie’s bill, but go ahead and enjoy that steak and shrimp. You’ve earned it???

It’s cake time! You (the guest) have filled up on assorted meat and cheese, followed by salad and filet. There is still free food to be had and you’re entitled to it all!

If I work your wedding, there’s a good chance that I’m gonna be your designated cake-cutter. I never understood why wedding cakes were so dry and tasteless until I cut my first dozen. If the cake is too moist, it will fall in on itself while cutting.

Along comes the Pumpecapple Pie Cake, in all its behemoth glory.

Cutting it looks so easy but we’re talking about pies within cakes here.

This is a more accurate representation of what slicing the cake looked like.

What’s a Pumpecapple Pie Cake you ask? My answer is Satan’s spawn in cake form. The real answer is three goopy, fruit filled pies baked inside three separate layers of cake.

Here’s the kicker!

As I was ineptly trying to slice through the ridiculous sloppy layers of this thing, the wedding guests were surrounding the cake table like a pack of starving Coyotes who hadn’t seen food in weeks. I wanted to stop and say “Dude, you literally just had a mouthful of filet in your cake hole”. For some silly reason, my catering company would probably frown upon that comment, so I commenced with cutting (hacking) the rest of the cake.

My mouth was shut but my ears were open as I heard requests from the “hungry” pack. “Can I get a slice of the apple?”. The apple was still three layers down but I was wishing I had a whole apple I could stuff inside this bratty woman’s mouth. “Ooh, I want a slice of the blueberry”. B, there is no blueberry layer. Then there was the guy who just grabbed two empty plates and held them out in impatient anticipation. He was like an older, greedier, less relatable version of Oliver Twist. He was standing so close that I could practically smell the partially digested surf n’ turf on his breath.

I was done with these brats but the last brat would truly be the icing on the cake. This last brat sauntered over and surveyed the remaining slices. “There’s no apple left”? “I really wanted apple”, she whined. The staff apologized, pointed to the remaining slices and were met with a very dramatic eye roll and a loudly wheezed “ugggh” as we watched her stomp away in a full-on-adult-pout.

Moral of the story:

Pick one cake flavor and stick to it. Cupcakes are also a great option.

Just be cool.

20 thoughts on “Let Them Eat Cake

  1. Oh yeah, this is exactly why I don’t like working with food. People are so picky and then you just want to throw the food at them. Also, had many cake cutting nightmares and that’s just dealing with family and friends. I admire you Kim…but I don’t envy you!

    • People are crazy and that Frankenstein cake looks disgusting to me too! Of course, I’m also really weird about my foods touching, and would be perfectly happy to eat every meal off of one of those cafeteria trays with the separate compartments. Yeah…I’ve got some issues. 🙂

      On Thu, May 14, 2015 at 6:50 PM, kimboxin wrote:


  2. That was the first time I saw a Pumpecapple Pie Cake… Who was the master mind behind that? Slicing a simple cake is already difficult. I can’t imagine how it’s to pass the knife through that mountain and get something resembling a slice. I think next time you should use an ice-cream scoop and leave all the guests happy… (yeah, right! :D)

    Could you call your grandma?

  3. Great post. I always wondered why traditional American wedding cake is so tasteless. (Traditional British wedding cake, I’ve read, is a fruit cake. I can’t swear to that because I had to leave the only wedding I went to here before the cake was cut–and it wasn’t a particularly traditional celebration anyway.)

    I’ve also wondered why people spend so much money on weddings, but that’s a whole ‘nother set of questions.

    • Thank you! I am with you on wondering why people spend so much on weddings.
      There was a recent wedding that I did not work but I was told the cake cost $10,000! Yes, you read that right. That better have been a damn good cake. 😍

      • It’s official: The world has gone insane. $10,000? For a cake?? Damn, I wouldn’t have wanted to be one of the people who had to carry it in. Can you imagine tripping over your feet?

  4. I agree that wedding cakes tend to taste like cardboard, which is why we made our own, My mother can bake like you wouldn’t believe and her sister is a professional cake decorator. So we made 8 Bavarian Tortes (chocolate) and 8 vanilla cakes with lemon curd and coconut. Then set aside a round table and made perches of different heights all around it, covered it with linens and voila, cake arrangement! Just a few fresh flowers here and there decorating the cakes and no fondant anywhere in sight. One of my best friends from college strolled up and announced he was on his sixth piece of cake and planned to go back for more. Sometimes making sure your cake tastes great is more important than going for the traditional fondant tower. I loved my cake arrangement!

    • That sounds amazing! Cake should taste like cake. Flavor shouldn’t be sacrificed for decoration. I love the new trend of offering pies (not pies baked within cake layers). I love a casual wedding that reflects the bride and groom’s personality. With pies and cupcakes, you get more variety, and there’s a better chance that they’ll be flavorful.

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