Have you ever attended a wedding? Most of us have, and, even if our attendance is a cursory nod, the result is free food and drink. If you don’t have to drive or fly, a free dinner is always a great deal. Right?
I’ve been catering weddings for a long time now, and have noticed a not-so-subtle-change in guest etiquette recently.
Proper etiquette deems that a guest RSVP’S with their meal selection. Most guests understand that they are not going to a restaurant, and that their designated meals are pre-portioned according to their predetermined (and already paid for) selections. I should be used to it now, but am still stunned to hear a wedding guest change their order from vegetarian to surf and turf. I’m pretty sure that Crate and Barrel gravy boat won’t cover the cost of the upgraded meal charged to Stephen and Stephanie’s bill, but go ahead and enjoy that steak and shrimp. You’ve earned it???
It’s cake time! You (the guest) have filled up on assorted meat and cheese, followed by salad and filet. There is still free food to be had and you’re entitled to it all!
If I work your wedding, there’s a good chance that I’m gonna be your designated cake-cutter. I never understood why wedding cakes were so dry and tasteless until I cut my first dozen. If the cake is too moist, it will fall in on itself while cutting.
Along comes the Pumpecapple Pie Cake, in all its behemoth glory.
Cutting it looks so easy but we’re talking about pies within cakes here.
This is a more accurate representation of what slicing the cake looked like.
What’s a Pumpecapple Pie Cake you ask? My answer is Satan’s spawn in cake form. The real answer is three goopy, fruit filled pies baked inside three separate layers of cake.
Here’s the kicker!
As I was ineptly trying to slice through the ridiculous sloppy layers of this thing, the wedding guests were surrounding the cake table like a pack of starving Coyotes who hadn’t seen food in weeks. I wanted to stop and say “Dude, you literally just had a mouthful of filet in your cake hole”. For some silly reason, my catering company would probably frown upon that comment, so I commenced with cutting (hacking) the rest of the cake.
My mouth was shut but my ears were open as I heard requests from the “hungry” pack. “Can I get a slice of the apple?”. The apple was still three layers down but I was wishing I had a whole apple I could stuff inside this bratty woman’s mouth. “Ooh, I want a slice of the blueberry”. B, there is no blueberry layer. Then there was the guy who just grabbed two empty plates and held them out in impatient anticipation. He was like an older, greedier, less relatable version of Oliver Twist. He was standing so close that I could practically smell the partially digested surf n’ turf on his breath.
I was done with these brats but the last brat would truly be the icing on the cake. This last brat sauntered over and surveyed the remaining slices. “There’s no apple left”? “I really wanted apple”, she whined. The staff apologized, pointed to the remaining slices and were met with a very dramatic eye roll and a loudly wheezed “ugggh” as we watched her stomp away in a full-on-adult-pout.
Moral of the story:
Pick one cake flavor and stick to it. Cupcakes are also a great option.
Just be cool.