anecdotes / humor

Bucket List Rejects

You guys, go ahead. I think I left something in the car...

You guys, go ahead. I think I left something in the car…

1). Crazy-ass glass suspension bridge in China

Have ya’ll seen the news about the new suspension bridge in China? I have, and that’s what inspired me to make this anti-bucket list. The bottom is made of glass, so you can fully envision the plummet towards your grisly death with each step you take. Yay, technology!

Before I proceed, you should know two things:

  1. I hate heights. I had to use a step-stool the other day and I am not exaggerating when I say, it was terrifying.
  2. I’ve recently become paranoid about windows falling from buildings and decapitating me. I’m no Chicken Little! It’s a fact that the museum where I work has had several windows fall out of their panes and shatter on the pavement below. (They were installed backwards, and scaffolding that takes up two city blocks has been erected as a temporary safety measure.) The sky is falling!
The one being dragged is Asian me.

The one being dragged is Asian me.

If I can’t trust glass windows, I sure as hell don’t trust glass as a substitute for an actual bridge floor.

2). No-Cage Shark Diving

You look good enough to eat!

You look good enough to eat!

You read that right. No-Cage shark-diving is now being offered to adventurous souls with fat wallets and no common sense. I personally, would rather eat the sushi than be the sushi.Mmm…sushi.

Eat worms and die!

Eat worms and die!

3). Bug-eating

Last week, my museum hosted its annual Bug-Fest and bugs were on the menu. I still can’t comprehend how a “celebration” of bugs transformed into mass carnage. Would you take your child to the zoo, introduce them to the wonders of the Panda, and then offer them a Panda burger? I realize bugs aren’t pandas but it still seems morbid to me. I’ll stick with accidentally eating bugs and not thinking about the fact that we accidentally eat bugs.

I could really go for a Mars bar right about now.

I could really go for a Mars bar right about now.

4). A one way trip to Mars

Have you ever had bad roommates? They eat your labeled food, steal your favorite shirt and have enough money to purchase weed or concert tickets, yet they can’t seem to manage paying rent on time. Imagine that on a planet you can never return from. You’ll want to drown your sorrows in a plate of cheese-fries but all you’ll have is space-food…until you die. Meanwhile on Earth, a grinning chimpanzee is relishing his cheesy-fries and toothily smirking at the sudden shift in evolution.

Re Never trust a toothless ride operator.

Never trust a toothless ride operator.

5). Carnival/County Fair Rides

I realize carnival rides aren’t on many people’s bucket lists but roller coasters are. I love roller coasters in a theme park setting. Theme park roller coasters are regularly inspected by engineers who do not appear to be high on meth. In my experience, all carnival ride operators appear to be on meth. When the ride operator is way too pumped by outdated music and shines their pearly grays at you, Do Not Let Them Strap You In To The Ride! My county fair is coming up and I love attending. I keep my feet on the ground while eating roasted corn but entertainment opportunities still abound.

I for one, am looking forward to the annual Fair game of “I spy a mullet”. People from all over the state attend the county fair, and I’m pretty sure some of them even crawl out of their “End of Days” bunkers just to ride the zipper.

Your turn. Have anything to add to my anti-bucket list?

image credits: listwns.com, omnifeed,petethomasoutdoors.com,appliancesonlineblog.com.au,dailymail.co.uk

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14 thoughts on “Bucket List Rejects

  1. I won’t do rollercoasters. I was on one that crashed. Not when I was on it, but the next week. Not cool. But I’ve had bugs. Some voluntarily. You should never trust a carnie with all his teeth – he hasn’t been at the job long enough to lose them from all the cotton candy, candy apples, and getting punched in the mouth from staring at all the pretty fair goers in their summer dresses.

    • Hmmm…maybe the fact that our fair takes place in October was a preemptive tactic to protect pretty girls from carnies. It’s usually heavy coat weather by the time the fair rolls around. A roller coaster crashed just a week after you’d been on it? That is too close for comfort! I left this part out, but when we were teens, my sister and I were on a fair ride (one of the ones that flip upside down) when we realized our safety bar wasn’t locked in. The ride had just started when we noticed the bar just flopping around. Luckily, they heard our screams before it was too late.

      • Yup, a week later. Made news around the world of course. Nearly 30 years ago now. And yeah, no safety bar would be a concern …
        And I am going to attempt those questions you gave me!

  2. That glass bridge?! Are the flipping crazy? Nope no way no how!! Love space but that one way trip to Mars nope! (Although I did/do have my name that will be etched somewhere on the Inspire that is Mars bound next year.) Bug’s..I love me a good bug fest but I’d really rather not eat them. (Sounds like an amazing job you have minus the windows) I will totally ride the Zipper if the operator is high on Meth but that’s only cause I know I’ll get my money’s worth of being scared shitless.
    On the non bucket list, being sucked flat beneath a sheet of latex at those adult sex fetish conventions! Never been to one & never will..

    Loveeeed this blog post! ;D

      • Your post is brilliant. They all are. Totally felt your pain about Clomp Clomp too. You’ve inspired me to write a “no way in hell” bucket list in the future! I lovveee laughing my ass off and this post had me almost in tears.😄😄😍 xx

      • I feel the exact same.☺ If I can get even one person to smile or crack a laugh it makes my entire day! So I know that feeling well. I’ve yet not to have laughed while reading any of your post’s so one huge gold lick an stick star for you!! ;D x 👏❤

  3. I’m with you! This list is pretty comprehensive and I have no desire to try any of it, except the zipper. Who doesn’t love the zipper? The only thing I would add is sky diving. I have no desire to jump out of a plane, plummet to the earth, and hope that some nylon rope and a bed sheet will break my fall. Thank you, but no.

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