satire

Clomp-Clomp Strikes Again

If you wake me up in the middle of the night, when I have to report to work the next morning, be prepared for full-on, maniacal rage. I’m not talking about “oh look, the puppy is so cute when she’s mad” anger. I’m talking about “hide your kids, hide your wife”, this-girl-is-scary, kind of rage. 

  

Taylor Swift sliced through my peaceful slumber this morning. Off-key, slurred, Taylor Swift, f****ing woke me up this morning. I was so disoriented that I thought it was around midnight, and assumed the noxious sounds were coming from drunken sorority girls who were stumbling down the sidewalk, below our second level apartment. I furiously banged on the window in an attempt to shut them up. 

Now I had to pee, because if I’m awake, I have to pee. Another round of drunken Taylor Swift karaoke started up, and it was then that I realized it was coming from the balcony of my upstairs neighbor’s apartment. My neighbor has a name but I just refer to her as Clomp-Clomp , because she regularly gets home at 3 a.m. and doesn’t take her shoes off like a normal  person. Her shoes are high heels, and the floors are hardwood.

It’s 6:15 a.m.! I have just realized what time it is whilst peeing, and now I am shouting this fact upwards,towards Clomp-Clomp’s apartment. “It’s 6:15, and I have to be at work in 3 hours! I’m going to call the cops! I’m going to call the MotherF****ing cops!”

And now, Derek is awake. I’m STILL trying to pee as his groggy eyes meet mine,that are now beyond seething. He’s seen this look in my eyes before and knows that no good can come from it.

On go his pants, and he’s out the door to calmly handle the situation. All goes quite and just as we are settling back into bed, another song starts up. As he returns to the scene of the crime, I am on his heels, and he looks frightened by the expression on my face. He pleads with me to not follow but I promise to be polite. I know he doesn’t believe me but he throws his arms up in surrender anyway.

We are now standing on the landing, directly below Clomp-Clomp’s balcony as I very politely call out, “Hey guys”. No response. Again, “Hey Guys”. They’re still singing along but it’s become muted enough that I know they can hear me. I am being ignored but I make one more attempt at civility before I super-naturally scale the wall to the balcony and take no prisoners. My third attempt at “Hey guys” is interrupted by a request for “one more song!” One more song? Seriously? I’m not your mommy, and I’m sure as hell not your D.J. I AM about to be your worst nightmare, if you don’t act like a normal 30-something and let me go back to sleep.

I honestly don’t know how I contained my rage, but I did. In response to the “one more song” request, I simply said, “I have to wake up and go to work in 2 1/2 hours”. They didn’t apologize. They just said “heard” and shut it down. 

It took me another hour to fall back asleep, and then my alarm went off. 

And now, a song that reflects my mood: 

Eminem: 3 A.M.

Notes:

 I actually love Taylor Swift. 

I’m not a serial killer.

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19 thoughts on “Clomp-Clomp Strikes Again

  1. I used to come home late at night in heels and, although I did not have hardwood floors, the neighbor downstairs would get mad because of the noise we made in the echoey hallway. He used to go down to the garage area and pull our fuse so that we had no electricity in our apartment. We always just thought he was a tight ass, and really he was wrong to do that, but now that I have kids and have to be up early, I know how annoying it is to get woken up in the middle of the night.

    • Point me to the fuse box!
      I know this girl works late, so I have learned to adjust to her clomping around at 3 a.m.
      Hosting an “after party” is a different story. If the morning birds are chirping, and you’re still drinking, it’s time to go to bed.
      I think I finally get the Prince song, “When Doves Cry”.

      • I actually think it was quite unusual that there was public access to the fuse box in that building. If there is in yours, so much the better. May be worth it to do some exploring.
        Yes, ‘When Doves Cry’ takes on a whole other meaning.

  2. Girl, I so feel your pain!! I had a lovely wake up call myself, early this morning. The asshat above us came home drunk at 3 AM with a friend, and you would think the floor was going to come down. If we come home late, even drunk off our asses, we know enough, we are THOUGHTFUL enough to make the least amount of noise possible. Shit like this always makes me wonder why bad things happen to good people. Sigh. I also always have to pee when I’m woken up, then I’m pretty much awake and HATING THE WORLD.

  3. There used to be about 6 guys living in the apartment above mine, and they all seemed to love Real Madrid. I have to be up at 5 am for work, and on Tuesday and Wednesday nights when I was trying to sleep, I could hear them stomping on the floor and banging drums – seriously, banging drums – whenever Real would score. Most games started at about midnight here in Dubai.

  4. Oh, I hear you. When we lived in a town house in Buffalo we had a bunch of Asian people living next to us. The always came home late from their restaurant and where noisy, and noisy, and again noisy! It was so annoying most of all because we had two little kids – one of them a baby which I was trying to get into its night rhythm. Some people simply don’t consider that they have neighbors who don’t like to join their parties.

  5. Love the picture. I feel your Pain! Yes Capital P! I work weird hours so try to be thoughtful when I’m closing my hotel room door at 3am! Pity the same can’t be said about everyone else!
    BTW, my wife has what we refer to as “The Look”. Run for cover when you see it!!!!

  6. I’m impressed how well you handle the situation 🙂
    I’m a broom on the ceiling kind of person… Or I just wait until you fall asleep and you’ll regret every second of your after party 🙂

    My ex used to come and spend the night at my flat after he started a war with his neighbor, but before leaving his flat, he would set an alarm clock near their door and let it ring forever from like 5am till the battery died… Maybe you can do that too 😀

  7. That is so frustrating! We have a neighbor who lives next door and he leaves for work every morning around 5am, and sometimes comes home late, around midnight. He drives a motorcycle with a really loud exhaust pipe. And he likes to let the motorcycle idle in the driveway for a L.O.N.G. time before he pulls out, revving the engine as high as he can. We call him our favorite neighbor. Because he is not our favorite neighbor. He is a douche bag.

  8. I feel your frustrations Kim like most others here, unfortunately from what I have seen around the states that I have been in, most have not matured and act like late teens to twenty year olds rocking the night and going to work with no sleep. Then you just have the ones that don’t give a damn about their neighbors.

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