anecdotes / humor / satire / writing

Leading a Double Life

The cowboy rides up on his black stallion, says some cowboy stuff and saves the dim-witted cowgirl in distress. Meanwhile: on another coast, a fireman ascends a ladder, says some fireman stuff, and saves a dim-witted fire victim in distress. Many double entendres ensue, and there is so much engorgement of the male region that it only seems prudent that the guy sees a specialist. STAT!

I’ve never made it through a “sexy” novel, and that includes 50 Shades Of Grey. No matter how much throbbing or thrusting is going on, I just can’t make it past the awful and painfully silly writing.

That being said: I am not opposed to writing smut under a pen name, and making millions of dollars from it. Maybe the bankroll from the crap-tastic novel will enable me to publish my own thoughtful novel. Maybe? Probably not. By then, I’d be too money hungry and collagen injected to notice the slippery slope I was sliding down.

I was reading the NY Times People the other day,when I came across a book review.

Dear readers: I wish I was making this title up.

Mai Tai’d Up by Alice Clayton (Get it? It’s both a nod to a beverage that no one has ordered since the 70’s,and… bondage,sexual bondage).

Review notes: On her wedding day, beauty queen Chloe Patterson dumps her fiance and moves to Monterey to start a pit bull sanctuary. The last thing she’s looking for is love, but she can’t resist the charms of Lucas Campbell, a local vet who’s got a painful romantic history of his own. Clayton’s a master of balancing heart, humor and plenty of action between the sheets.

This type of writing makes me sad. This person and people like her, are published daily.

While we’re busy typing away with stories and anecdotes that we hope are inspiring; Helen the Homemaker, shudders as she feels willy’s willy throb with delight.

I was more than half-joking when I said I’d write a fluff book under a pen name.

What would you do?

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15 thoughts on “Leading a Double Life

  1. Hmmm…somewhat akin to trying to make it in a rock band and then someone comes along and offers you a million dollars to be in a boy band. You want to say you never would be when someone’s waving the big bucks in your face…

  2. 50 Shades is suburban soccer mom porn (apologies to soccer moms the world over). I can’t stand it. It’s so disingenuous. I’m with Marissa on this. It’s a matter of commerce. Didn’t Anne Rice write her vampire chronicles under her real name, and her erotica under a nom de plume? That would work.

    • It is soccer mom porn, and coming to a theatre near you for Valentine’s Day! How romantic :). I’ve never read anything by Anne Rice but I am of the understanding that she can actually write.

  3. 50 Shades was plain trash.
    As in the Enquirer is finally entertainment at it’s best!
    Anyone can easily pen a gnarly bump and grind story being we’ve all been there done that. Well, most of us anyway! 😄
    Would I sell out to write “fluff?” Hell yes I would! I’d then take my no brainer earned $ and buy every copy of 50 Shades and have me a hell of a book bonfire! 😉

  4. I wish those stories were true. I’d love to be like that Chloe Patterson meeting this Lucas guy that I bet is gorgeous and a giver… In freaking reality Lucas has his hair distributed in all the wrong places, for sure is a taker and has no plane or penthouse.
    But I can dream! 😀

  5. I’ve read my fair share of fluff over the years, but not 50 Shades of Gray. Badly written stuff – regardless of what genre it is – makes me crazy.
    Having said that, kudos to the author! She likely had a blast writing it and made buckets full of money in the process. Who can argue with that?
    If I thought for a second I could pump out a fluff piece under a pen name that people would buy, I would. But I can’t … so the world is spared 🙂

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