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“Nice Pants”

Nice pants is the phrase that was muttered by the rooster of a flock of snickering boys. They were hunkered at an outside table that led in to the coffee shop that adjoined my local grocery store. All I wanted was a coffee, a roasted chicken, and maybe some wine. OKAY…definitely some wine. I wasn’t there to make friends but I wasn’t prepared to fend off insults by the cackling elite who’d fastened their sagging pants with a belt around their mid-thighs. I wasn’t armed with a slew of insults to launch at adolescents adorned with “mommy-bought” $500 sneakers. No eye contact was made but I knew they  were referring to my ‘pants’.

Here’s the truth: My ‘pants’ are ridiculous but they’re not pants per se. They are black leggings that were purchased out of desperation. I have a “winter look” that consists of black leggings, a stretchy skirt, boots, and any top that’s clean. A few weeks back I realized that my standard black leggings were missing a key factor (most of their crotch). I’m not performing shows in Thailand to make extra cash. I just happen to wear my leggings a lot. I made a trip to Target to replace my basic black leggings but they were sold out of the basics. My options came down to a paisley print, bows and skulls. or a basic black with a shiny faux leather strip down the center. I went with the faux leather. Derek laughed when he saw them, but since then, I’d forgotten about how silly they look.

I shrugged off the insult, ordered my coffee, and proceeded with my shopping. While waiting to pay for my chicken I thought of the perfect come back. Rooster would say: “Nice pants”. With an icy glare that would reverse the melting of the ice caps, I’d reply: “Nice asshole; If I squint and close one eye, it would almost resemble a face”. That’s a good one!

With roasted chicken in tow I passed by the group of haters once more. I could have decimated them with one slyly worded insult, but there wasn’t a kid among the group who’d be able to drive in the next year.

Kids are mean, and I need new pants!

boots, and an

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9 thoughts on ““Nice Pants”

  1. I used to get teased about my clothes a lot as a kid. Kids are mean, and it’s even worse when they are your supposed peers. If I had a dollar for every come I thought of in retrospect…

  2. I hate coming up with a stinging reply after the fact. For Brits, pants are what you wear under your trousers that skillful lovers can remove with their teeth! You sure you weren’t wearing your crotchless leggings?

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