Nice pants is the phrase that was muttered by the rooster of a flock of snickering boys. They were hunkered at an outside table that led in to the coffee shop that adjoined my local grocery store. All I wanted was a coffee, a roasted chicken, and maybe some wine. OKAY…definitely some wine. I wasn’t there to make friends but I wasn’t prepared to fend off insults by the cackling elite who’d fastened their sagging pants with a belt around their mid-thighs. I wasn’t armed with a slew of insults to launch at adolescents adorned with “mommy-bought” $500 sneakers. No eye contact was made but I knew they were referring to my ‘pants’.
Here’s the truth: My ‘pants’ are ridiculous but they’re not pants per se. They are black leggings that were purchased out of desperation. I have a “winter look” that consists of black leggings, a stretchy skirt, boots, and any top that’s clean. A few weeks back I realized that my standard black leggings were missing a key factor (most of their crotch). I’m not performing shows in Thailand to make extra cash. I just happen to wear my leggings a lot. I made a trip to Target to replace my basic black leggings but they were sold out of the basics. My options came down to a paisley print, bows and skulls. or a basic black with a shiny faux leather strip down the center. I went with the faux leather. Derek laughed when he saw them, but since then, I’d forgotten about how silly they look.
I shrugged off the insult, ordered my coffee, and proceeded with my shopping. While waiting to pay for my chicken I thought of the perfect come back. Rooster would say: “Nice pants”. With an icy glare that would reverse the melting of the ice caps, I’d reply: “Nice asshole; If I squint and close one eye, it would almost resemble a face”. That’s a good one!
With roasted chicken in tow I passed by the group of haters once more. I could have decimated them with one slyly worded insult, but there wasn’t a kid among the group who’d be able to drive in the next year.
Kids are mean, and I need new pants!
boots, and an