When Nobody’s Watching

I have a deep, dark secret. Outing myself isn’t easy but I feel like it’s time to come clean.

My dog’s ears perk up before I hear the footsteps. The keys jangle in the door and I know that D is home. I’m on the couch and furiously fumble for the remote (wii controller) to avoid being caught red-handed in my shameful act. The screen goes black as he walks in and I casually say “hey  love”. He must never know what I’ve been up to. Hugs are exchanged as I shy away from his grease-infused chef’s beard. Lucy the dog doesn’t share my aversion and goes all in for her favorite part of the day; the beard licking. I’m thankful for the distraction as it allows me a little more time to cover my tracks.

What am I so ashamed of? Midget porn? Let’s be PC folks; it’s called Little People Porn. That’s not it though. My shame bats hang in a far more innocent cave. Don’t get me wrong, little people are entitled to have their fun too. If they want to let their itty-bitties hang out for all the world to see, that’s their right. It’s just not my thing.

What the hell am I so ashamed of then? Apparently, Netflix knows me better than I know myself and rubs it in my face through it’s recommended videos. According to Netflix, I’m a tween. I want to tell Netflix it’s wrong to it’s face, but the evidence is overwhelming. I’m busted.

Sure, there are thought- provoking documentaries in my recently watched list, but when push comes to shove and, click comes to play, I guess I am a freakin’ tween.

Maybe I don’t want my thoughts to be provoked. Maybe I get enough of that in my news feed. Journalists are being beheaded, Ebola is in The States, and teen-aged girls are stabbing their friend to death because they “don’t like her”.

Sometimes, this Alice needs a rabbit hole.

If the bottom of that rabbit hole includes movies like Hook, Honey I Shrunk The Kids and Beethoven-so be it. At least I’m not watching The Real House Skanks of Anywhere, USA or Keeping Up With The Vapid (with a K). My name is Kimberley and I watch kid movies. Sometimes, my habit is so bad that I resort to watching made for t.v. ABC Family movies or (shudder) Disney movies. The plots are thin, the syrupy-sweetness is toothache inducing, and the acting is atrocious. I’m keenly aware of all of this but get sucked in all the same.

When I get busted, D just rolls his eyes and shakes his head. I get it, but I think he should be relieved by the fact that he’s only walked in on this, and not a hardcore midge porn viewing session.

Truth be told, it’s not always so innocent. I go on Craigslist everyday looking for stuff to resell. If nothing’s happening, I sometimes drift over to the personal ads. It’s sick but these sickos help me validate my life in a sick way. At the end of the day, I can proudly say that I’m not the girl who wishes to be a “human ashtray”.

The ad below is real. Who could make this stuff up?

 Smoking Fetish – m4w (Raleigh)

40’s attractive, SWM, professional, fun…looking for a female that is curious about this fetish and who is interested in exploring adventures that revolve around it. Could be just smoking in my face…could be smoking while you sit on my face…could be using me as an ashtray…could be anything else that comes to your mind. Do any of these thoughts make you smile a little?
What the what is the what? I’m by no means a prude but what the hell is wrong with people? How does that all go down? Is dinner included? Perhaps there’s a charcuterie  platter and a chilled bottle of  Beaujolais nouveau. It’s been a while but I seem to recall first dates being awkward. How much more so when fetishes are involved? Does one arrive in full teddy bear costume  or wait until the tour is over before asking to be excused  to “slip in to something way less comfortable”? 
The world is just too much sometimes, and our brains occasionally needy a sudsy washing. For me, there’s no better scouring pad than a kid movie that reconnects me with childhood dreams and imagination. 
The Goonies anyone? I’ve got it on DVD and “Goonies Never Say Die!”

13 thoughts on “When Nobody’s Watching

  1. One of the radio stations I listen to has a feature where they find 3 perverted ads they find on Craigslist and they read them aloud on the air and have people call in and vote on which one they thought was the sickest.

      • Oh gosh. They do the feature once a week, not sure which day, but I think Tuesdays. Actually, if you are familiar with fetishes, I’m sure most of them are not anything you’ve never heard of before. Which is not to say they aren’t pretty gross. One involved diapers (no babies).

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