The People Of Walgreens (The Horror)

So…recently, my local Walgreens shut down for a few weeks for some remodeling and apparently some re-branding.

After the doors reopened D and I popped in-not because we gave two flips about the free chip clips and mini flashlights (I only swiped like a handful-I’m an American dammit and hoarding free crap is part of my shameful legacy) but because we wanted to snag a few bottles of water.

As the automated doors ushered us in, I noticed it was bright-too bright. Only two cashiers were visible but as they symbiotically chirped Welcome to Walgreens; how are you today?,I could have sworn I heard the echoes of a thousand other canned voices. I don’t do faux perky. It  initiates the fight or flight response in me. So in order to avoid being a snarky hole, I pushed D towards the checkout while I pretended to look at pre-paid gift cards (ooh, Crapplebees). He was left to respond to the how are you today question alone and did so in a friendly and normal-human-being-fashion. “I’m fine; how are you?” “Better now that you’re here” was the female cashier’s reply.

Normally, this direct defiance of female etiquette would have had me half-way across the counter, with the meat of her nubby little arm dangling from my teeth. I’ve grown as a person though + I was too busy stifling a laugh. D was horrified. The color had all but drained from his face and all he could manage to say was just these two waters.

As we left, I snagged a few more chip clips for the trouble and looked up to see the cross-armed store manager silently enforcing the new super-duper-perky regime on to her troops. They desperately cried “Thank you, PLEASE come again!”

I felt a shudder and suddenly found myself missing the good ol’ days. Store clerks are supposed to be aloof, distracted by their TMI phone conversations and possibly a bit too stoned to make eye contact.

What kind of world are we living in?


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