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Me Talk Pretty One Day: If Only You’ll Love Me-David Sedaris

Nobody and I mean nobody, tickles my funny bone the way that David Sedaris does.

It just so happens that I reside in his home town of Raleigh,NC. See how much we already have in common? Oh-the things we’d talk about! David and his comedienne sister Amy, haven’t called Raleigh home for decades. It’s rational to come to terms with this fact and quit fantasizing about running in to him at every coffee shop. It’s rational but rational is boring and there’s still a tie that binds the Sedaris siblings to the area. That tie is the other brother, Paul.

Paul didn’t follow that glittery trail paved with bouts of poverty like his two siblings did. Instead, he remained in the triangle area and built up a hardwood flooring business. I always seem to encounter Sedaris Flooring vans while going about my daily tasks. He chose to be the shadow and not the sun. I’ll never fault a man for his hard work but I must say that he has unknowingly caused me several occasions of disappointment.

I’m still being irrational here, so bear with me as I present my asinine evidence.

In the fall of 2008, I was in my freshman year of working as an Events Coordinator. It was an election year, so most of the events I organized were for super-douchie local politicians. They plied me with superfluous compliments and offered a waxy handshake in exchange for a well stocked bar and bountiful array of hors d’oeuvres. It was a job that I did but wasn’t that excited about. Then one day, I received the call that would surely bring me out of the doldrums.

“Kimberley, I have a Ms. Sedaris on the line for you, she wants to book a private event”. Composing myself, I picked up the receiver and lowered my voice an octave. “This is Kimberley”. “Haay thare Keemberly, I’m wantin to bewk an event for ma hoosband’s Birthday”. It instantly registered that this event would be for the other Sedaris brother.

In the weeks leading up to the event, I didn’t lose hope that sir David and possibly, Amy, would make an appearance. I readied myself with a new dress and imagined the BFF banter that would take place between David and me. Oh Kimberley, you’re too much. Has anyone ever said something more clever? Where did you get your bag? You must come and stay with me and my boyfriend at our country home in France.  I just have to study and write about you in my new book.

Neither David nor Amy made an appearance but brother Paul’s crew were some of the nicest people I’ve ever met.

I still crane my neck each time I pass a Sedaris Hardwood van. I know that there’s no practical reason for David to be in there but I  just can’t seem to help myself.

David quotes:

“When a hurricane damaged my father’s house, my brother rushed over with a gas grill, three coolers of beer, and an enormous Fuck-It Bucket – a plastic pail filled with jawbreakers and bite-size candy bars. (“When shit brings you down, just say ‘fuck it,’ and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.”)”

David Sedaris

“Hugh consoled me, saying, “Don’t let it get to you. There are plenty of things you’re good at.”

When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he’ll need some time to think.”
David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day

 

“I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so.”
David Sedaris, Naked

 

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