Men’s Seduction Fails

Let me first say this; I am so glad that I’m not a man and therefore have never truly felt the pressure of ‘making the first move’. I give a big round of applause and a dap to any and every guy who has mustered the courage to introduce himself to a girl he found attractive. 9 times out of 10 it’s flattering. This is an article about those times where the ‘come on’ has been anything but flattering. Men-think before you creep. There is definitely a line.

Seduction Fail #1. While in the check out line at the grocery store I once had a man 20 years my senior offer to pay for my groceries. As I vehemently protested he handed his card to the cashier and she ran it. I was so embarrassed/frightened. I argued for a moment more about the transaction but the cashier was only interested in the fact that her line was being held up. I gathered my bags and sprinted to my car while looking over my shoulder to make sure the man wasn’t following me. After I sped home I sat in my darkened apartment staring out the window while sipping wine that had been purchased by this stranger. Every shadow was a threat and I didn’t sleep well that night or in the following weeks. The guy was out $50 and didn’t even get a phone number. I’ll always wonder if that move ever worked for him with someone else. I was 19 when this happened.

Seduction Fail #2. My friend was driving us back to work after a lunch break when her cop husband pulled up beside us. His partner was in the passenger seat. Just as soon as we got back to work the phone rang and it was for me. I had made an impression on the partner and a blind date of sorts was set up. Saturday rolled around and the cute cop picked me up at my apartment. I was so excited and feeling so flattered. The date was a disaster! I pretty much instantly hated the guy. He took me to a very nice steak house but his dinner conversation was just a long vent about his ‘bitch of an x-girlfriend’. I tried to change the subject at first but quickly realized that was a futile effort. My $60 steak melted like butter on my tongue so I chose to focus on that instead. Man that was a great steak! The date wasn’t over yet as there was still a movie in store. On the way to the theater he actually said “you have the kind of eyes a man can get lost in”. His eyes were on the road and I was pretty sure we’d never made actual eye contact. I did what I had to do and feigned sickness. I was so close to being out of the woods and in my p.j’s until we got back to my place and I discovered I was locked out. He had to drive me to another town to retrieve my roommate’s spare key. That left an extra hour of awkwardness followed by an averted kiss. Why the hell did this guy try to kiss me after the date from hell? Oh…sex! I was 22 when this happened.

Seduction Fail # 3.  I had dragged my friends to see my favorite local band and was approached by a dreamy looking dark-haired stranger. He was tan and tall and totally my type…until he spoke. His opening line was ‘that t-shirt fits you well’. He then slid a business card my way and offered to take some ‘tasteful nude photos’ of me. What a nice guy! He had no idea (and never would) that the reason the t-shirt ‘fit me so well’ was because I had stuffed cut out shoulder pads in to my bra. I was rocking an A cup at the time but those trusty shoulder pads gave the illusion of a C cup. He was good looking but so was Jeffrey Dahmer. Good looks do not trump creepiness. I was 24 when this happened.

Seduction Fail # 4. I met a guy at a bar which was mistake #1 so I will own that. His friend hit on my friend while he hit on me. He talked about riding his Harley and I, in my vanity, was sucked in by his muscles and wavy brown hair. I gave him my number and he called me the next day to make a date. He asked me what kind of food I liked and I told him ‘anything but sushi’. I love sushi now but was freaked out by it at the time. Date night rolled around and muscle boy arrived to pick me up. I was expecting a motorcycle but was instead greeted by a rusted out 80’s model Honda. I’ve never been about money so that was fine…misleading but fine. What wasn’t ‘fine’ was that dude called me from the curb instead of being a gentleman and coming to my door. A girl has a moment built up and wants to be admired when she opens door #1. The magic is instantly gone when she has to drag her heels through wet ground and open the car door herself to find her lame date texting in his driver’s seat. Dude took me to a sushi place which was literally the only cuisine I had excluded. As I sat through dinner this pretty guy just got uglier with each passing moment. By the end of the date all I knew about him was that he liked forcing people to eat sushi and the amount of weight he could bench press. Pretty can be ugly and ohhh so boring!  I was 24 when this happened.

Dating horror stories? Do tell!


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